Frighteningly funny…

• Desperate for a Halloween costume a woman was suddenly struck with an inspired idea. She put on a slinky black dress, fishnet stockings and balanced a small tabletop on her head. On it was a lamp, a champagne glass and an ashtray with two cigarette butts. She was as a one-night stand.

• Halloween night a driver called road-service dispatch office complaining that he was locked out of his car. The information was called to a locksmith, along with one more detail: The car was parked at a nudist colony. The locksmith arrived in record time. When he called in later, he wasn’t amused. “Figures,” he said. “I finally get to go to a nudist colony, and they’re having a costume party!”

• A mother and her children were invited to a Halloween party. Her older son wanted to go as Count Dracula; her daughter, as a ballerina; her younger son, as the cabin boy in Treasure Island. Then the mother donned her own costume, wrapping herself in strips of white sheeting. At the party she lay down on the sofa and closed her eyes. “What are you supposed to be?” someone asked. Opening one eye she replied, “I’m a tired mummy.”

• For Halloween, a young boy wanted to be “The Incredible Hulk.” Using food coloring and a washcloth, his mother dyed his hands, face, neck and blond hair the green shade of the TV monster. After his bath the next morning, a faint green tint still remained. As the boy was going out the door to school, he handed his mother a slip of paper he had forgotten to give her earlier. The mother quickly opened the note. School pictures were going to be taken that day.

• Firefighters are required to wear full gear on all safety calls, even to advise homeowners of a county ordinance against burning leaves after dark. Halloween night, two firemen waited on the porch of one such offending household, helmets in hand. A woman finally opened the door. Promptly dropping a candy bar into each helmet, she remarked, “You boys are a little old for this sort of thing, aren’t you?” and closed the door.

• Everyone at a company dressed up for Halloween. One fellow’s costume stumped everyone. He simply wore slacks and a white T-shirt with a large 98.6 printed across the front in glitter. When someone finally asked what he was supposed to be, he replied, “I’m a temp.”

• The last thing this woman was prepared for was an invitation to a costume party. Eight and a half months pregnant, she was in no shape for any conventional costume. Still, she wanted to go, so she painted a big yellow circle on an extra-extra-large white T-shirt, dug a pair of red horns out of her kids’ Halloween junk pile … and went as a deviled egg.

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